The last few days I have spent so much time thinking about my dad and how my heart misses him so deeply.
The Christmas season wasn’t as hard as I anticipated it being, since it was our “first” since he died. I was kind of breathing easy since it had come and gone and all seemed to be okay.
This past Saturday Freddo and I were in the kitchen cooking, when I rattled off one of the things that Dad and I used to sayto each other. I would say, “Hey, Poncho” and he’d say, “Hey, Cisco”, then we’d both say, “Hey, Hey, Hey”. It was just one of those things that we have always done. Dad had a lot of sayings.
Even at the end of his days on this earth, I could see his eyes react when I would say both of our parts (cause Dad lost his ability to talk toward the end).
Well, on Saturday, I just rattled that saying off and not one thought of my dad entered my mind until Freddo said, “I bet your dad is laughing at you about now, since you are still saying that”.
My heart was devistated that I said it and didn’t think of him…
Well, I pushed that out of my mind for the remainder of the evening and all seemed fine (avoidance is a tactic I often use)…until we turned off the lights to go to sleep. All of a sudden my mind went directly to the fact that I had “forgotten” my dad, and the tears began to fall. Memories of him at the nursing home flooded my mind like a still shot motion picture, full color, words and all, and for the first time since he died I entered the “guilt” part of the grief process.
When we put him in the nursing home I knew it was God’s plan. Even though I didn’t like it one bit, I never questioned it…until Saturday night. I even entertained thoughts of how awful I was for encouraging my mom to put him into the home. I thought in those brief moments that he very well might still be alive if I hadn’t intervened. I cried the most Saturday night that I have cried at one time since Dad died.
Grief is like that, you are going along fine, then BAM!!! It stops you in your tracks, and plows you right over. My mom calls these times “ambushes”.
Freddo reassured me that it was all a part of God’s plan, reminding me of all that I already knew to be true. But it didn’t change the guilt that flooded my heart in those few hours Saturday night. In my selfishness all I could think of was that I wanted him back…
I decided to go back through some notes that I wrote on Facebook when Dad was sick this morning. And it sure was an encouragement to my heart. I am going to copy and paste one or two of them here, so that you can see a small glimpse of what our family’s journey with Lewy Body Dementia looked like.
This entry was dated August 16th, 2011:
When we decided to have a facebook account a few years ago, we said that we want to use it for God’s glory. So I would like to share with you a bit about our lives. Some background: My (Sheila’s) Dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia a few years ago, and up till now my Mom has cared for him at home. It is with heavy hearts that we applied for him to live at the Veteran’s Home in Mexico a year ago (2010), because his care is getting too much for my mom to handle. We asked God to take his placement at the home out of our hands and to work it out in the way that He sees fit. The time has come for him to be admitted, cause his name is very near the top of the waiting list, like within the month, which is much earlier than we had planned. We have cried and struggled much with this decision, even asking God to change the course that we are to be on. So that basically brings you up to speed on where we are. So please read the following about how God is continuing to work things out in His way.
When I woke yesterday morning I had no idea the day that God had planned for me. I read my Bible and prayed. As I prayed I asked God to help me to accept it in my heart what seemed to be His plan for us to move Dad into the Veteran’s Home, so that I wouldn’t become angry when that time came sometime later this month.
I desperately needed God’s perspective, because so far my perspective was leaving me wanting. God showed me a bit of His vision yesterday morning that I will share with you now.
God allowed me to see that, yes, Dad is going into a nursing home, but that is not the proper perspective. Dad really is just moving to the mission field, outside of all of our comfort zones. And we (the rest of the family) get the privilege of visiting that mission field anytime we want to and will be able to share the love of Christ with those that are there.
Many of you have known my Dad and know that it was his dream to retire and to become even more active on the mission field in Haiti. When his health began to decline after his early medical retirement, that dream seemed to die, and a part of my Dad seemed to go along with it. For when he talked about Haiti, it brought out a passion in him. He loved serving the people there.
So you can imagine the peace that began to overwhelm my heart when I allowed God to remove sadness of “putting him into an institution”, taking him away from his comfortable home that he loves, and to see it as this incredible opportunity for him to move into this place that God had prepared for him to serve the Lord. Dad still loves to talk about the things of God on his good days. Not everything he has to say always make sense to the average ear, but when you listen knowing his heart, you hear the message of hope that God has given him and you are able to see Christ in him. Well, at that point yesterday morning, I briefly thought about it, said thanks God, and moved on. I had no idea that in a few short hours I was going to be allowed to share that vision with my Dad through tear filled eyes.
Dad had an appointment with a doctor yesterday; we were hoping that she would be able to convey his need for that level of care for him, since until this point he would not accept that information from us. Well, when the doctor brought it up he became angry and she backed off and said, “Well, if it is not what you want, then perhaps you and your family should reconsider and wait to place you there when you are ready.”
I thought then, “Okay, Lord, this is not going as I planned”.
So we left the office and I took Dad down the hall, I stopped and got on the floor beside his wheelchair and asked him what he thought, to which he replied in a very stern and a fearful tone, “I don’t want to go there, I am afraid to be without my family. I don’t want to live with people that I don’t know. That scares me.”
I shot a quick prayer to God and asked for wisdom.
I said with tears flowing, “Dad your disease is getting worse and it will continue to decline. What I am about to tell you is hard and I really need you to try to understand…You are going to have to go into the Veteran’s Home when they call, and they are going to be calling soon.” He began to cry, “I don’t want that”.
And I told him through my tears, “I don’t either, I have asked God to do something so that I didn’t have to place you there, but God said I was going to have to.”
Then I began to share the vision that God had given me that morning about the mission field and how he loved to tell people about Christ, and how the people at the home need him to be there to learn about Jesus. It might be the only way that some of them ever get to hear about God. I told him that God was going to use all of us and missionaries have rough roads that they don’t really like, but they willingly walk them, cause it is necessary for God’s kingdom to be furthered.
Next I used the new phrase that Dad loves, “We are going to have to ‘adapt and overcome’.”
(Mind you, I haven’t really had a normal conversation with my Dad in MONTHS, cause he doesn’t really live in reality much.) But yesterday all day from that point on my Dad, the old Dad, that I know and love was there.
He, Mom and I talked and cried for a long time sitting outside at a picnic table at Culver’s. It was the most exhausting, beautiful, painful, God-filled hours I have ever had in my whole life.
Through those long, long moments Mom and I were able to reassure Dad of the many things that concerned him about moving there. We told him we will be able to come any time of the night or day, it’s only 20 minutes. He can call us anytime he wants.
He asked if they would celebrate his birthday. We assured him that they and we would do that.
I have never seen pain on my Dad’s face like there was yesterday. It was so tough, but God was so faithful!!
I can’t even begin to tell you how He met me right where I was and gave me every word I spoke. Bob has a saying that he learned a few years ago, “God gives you exactly what you need, just when you need it.” He reminds me of this often. And that phrase was true yesterday.
I have been anxious many a day as we have looked forwardly to the day, wondering whether we would have to place Dad in someone else’s care, it wore on my mind and I couldn’t figure it out. I knew I wasn’t to worry, I knew that I needed to trust God. I was worried about how we would convey this to Dad and how he would handle it. Yesterday after it was all done and I was thinking over it all I thought of the following analogy from Corrie Ten Boom.
“When Corrie as a child asked her father, Opa, to tell her about sex, he made her try to pick up his heavy suitcase on the train. When she couldn’t do it, he said that the same was true in life: there are some things too heavy for us to know until we are old enough to bear the burden. The heavy suitcase is a metaphor for the burdens of life…….”.
God, as my Father, knew that the answers to the questions that I sought were too heavy for me at the time; and yet, yesterday, before I knew that I had need of that answer, God supplied my every need. He showed up with exactly what I needed, just when I needed it!
We are so blessed to serve a loving God that is so faithful. I also know that God doesn’t allow things into our lives by accident; He wants us to use them to give Him glory and to encourage others.
I’m not sure what questions you are seeking of God, but I pray that this will encourage you to wait patiently on Him to answer you in His timing and to continually seek Him while you wait, because He alone knows when you need to have the strength to lift the suitcase. Please remember that above all you can trust Him with EVERYTHING!
These pictures were taken between Thursday, August 18 and Sunday, August 21, 2011. All of our family stayed those days at my folks, spending every last moment we could together before Dad was moved into the home on Monday.
We spent some time singing praise songs to encourage our hearts.
These two pictures were taken on Sunday just after we told Dad that he would be going to the home the next day. He handled it so well. We all cried. He just hugged and hugged on mom and they cried together.
Freddo and Dad played Connect Four, which was Dad’s favorite game. It was always a hoot to play with him. So often he would accuse my mom of cheating when they played together, which made it even funnier.
While Mom was working to get Dad’s clothes ready, Dad and I made homemade pizzas. Below he is chopping the olives for me. He sure enjoyed cooking.
This entry was dated August 21st, 2011, the day before we took Dad to live at the nursing home:
“I read something from a caregiver’s devotional this morning. I think it really fit my thoughts and prayers as I think about and feel anxious about tomorrow. I have been wondering how God is going to work out all that concerns me. “I have learned that even though the world is a tangle of paths and highways, avenues and streets, my Father knows them all, so we needn’t fear finding our way. My family is on a journey together, and whether or not we’re skittish about seating arrangements, we’re confident we’re heading toward a pre-determined destination. My earthly father has relinquished the driver’s seat, but he is confident, as we are, that our heavenly Father knows each turn on the horizon and the secret shortcuts. Our perspective is eternal- we have a view from above.”
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm to, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13″
I find it interesting that God allowed me to write these notes about Dad entering the nursing home with so much detail of how He had worked in all of it to bring us to the point of placing Dad in the home. Only God could have orchestrated all of that, including me documenting in the fall 2011, the very thing I would need at the start of 2013 to reassure me of His plans and free me from the guilt phase of my grieving process.
I love you, Daddy…with all my heart!! We all miss you like crazy!
Choosing Joy Now 