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Posts Tagged ‘death of a friend’

Well, my sweet friend, it has been a year since I stood at your bedside, singing a song in your ear and praying with you. If only I had known it would be my last chance to speak to you… I have to wonder what I would have said differently??? If only you could have spoken on that last day. I have a strong feeling you knew I was there, that you could hear me, cause you became so restless when I told you I had to go.  I wonder if God had already told you that you would be going home so soon…is that why you were so restless?

I have spent too much time this last year thinking through the “if onlys” of that day, and the months prior to your death. But God has constantly pointed me back to the positives of what had already passed. Our talks on the phone, our times of spiritual accountability, our moments of encouraging the other during the hard days, the times we talked about your double lung transplant and the hardest parts of those days, the cards and scrapbooks that we made while we were together, the love for music that we shared, the fears that we both had, the laughs we had over our boys, the talk of Bible studies and learning together about God, our times of prayer, our quest to live boldly for God and our frustration with never doing enough for Him, the list goes on and on. I try to dwell on all those memories of the great times.

So often I wonder how your “days” play out now? Can you see me? Do you know of my struggles and my tears? Do you understand why your mom and my dad passed in the ways that they did? Does your illness make sense to you now? Does it matter if we have our quiet time in the morning or at night (lol)? Do you have all the answers to the private things we discussed between the two of us?

I am incredibly grateful that you are no longer suffering and when I think of being in the presence of God I am at complete peace, but when I lose my focus and think of myself and try to figure out the days without you here to talk to, I get a bit discouraged. Oh how many times I have wanted to talk to you… About envelopes, where do I buy them? Where did you find those keys that you put on that plaque? What was that recipe that we made for that family? What were your plans for some of the projects that you had started? How I wanted to cry to you like we have done before when the days have been hard. I have never lost of friend before and I miss you like crazy!

I am so grateful for the things I learned during your life…

-my struggles or frustration usually come back to a heart issue

-never take your friends for granted

-don’t judge your friends, let them be vulnerable about whatever is on their heart and just listen

-it’s okay for be afraid, just don’t give in to those fears, always look back to God

-when I fail at my having my quiet time, I just start again tomorrow

-never give up hope, God is working

-germs…they are everywhere…lol!

-how your death has caused me to lean even more on the Lord, trying to understand and trust His will, especially when it hurts, even when it’s hard

I did do the Ann Voskamp study we talked about doing together in January. I was a good study, but I still wish we could have done it together!

I will forever be grateful to the Lord for your friendship and for the times we shared. Remembering you today, a little more than usual, and rejoicing in God’s will with tears in my eyes…

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